Men and Women Speak Different Languages

I started writing this blog because many of the people I know and care about are having a tough time with their marriages, and / or are going thru a divorce. It is for those couples that I am sharing my experiences and observations in the hopes that they can learn from my triumphs and mistakes.

I am not sure how this started, but I started to see things from both the men’s and women’s perspective.

Case 1.  A man and his wife split up and I ask him why. He says their son was doing drugs in the house and he told the son to get rid of the drugs. The son came after him with a baseball bat. He tells the wife to call the cops. She does and tells the cops to take her husband away.

What did you hear? As I say, I don’t know for sure, but this is what each one might have been thinking:

  1. The son has an addiction and can’t think past it. Anything that is in the way of his addiction needs to be removed, in this case his dad.
  2. Dad sees the son disobey him, so the dad doesn’t feel respect / love. Then the son attacks him and essentially disowns him, plus is now a threat to the rest of his family (including his wife). Therefore, since he is no longer his son, he has to be removed by the police.  He thinks he is showing his wife that he loves her by protecting her from their son.
  3. The wife hears that her child is in danger, and her husband is not protecting her son, so he no longer loves her, and the husband has to be removed.
  4. The husband hears that the wife is not supporting his decision, so he hears that she doesn’t love him. Furthermore, her request for the police to take him away instead of the drug addict son, feels like a divorce.

Case 2. My wife is bipolar, in one of her depressed states she tells me that she is suicidal and is going to jump off a bridge. I (being logic man) say that “I can’t stop you”. Somehow things work out, but here is what I was thinking and what I think she was expecting.

  1. She was wanting me to say that “we are in this together and everything will work out”. When she heard me say that “I can’t stop you” she heard that “I don’t love you”, but she stuck around long enough and asked enough questions to figure out that this isn’t what I meant. She also told me (after proof reading this), that I was the only person to stand up to her, so I guess that’s a good thing?
  2. Okay, yes it seemed like a heartless response. But, I was thinking that “If you love something, set it free. If it returns it is yours. If it doesn’t it never was”. After all, I am Logic Man. Somehow this worked out and I am glad it did. It must have been God! 🙂

Case 3. I know someone who makes his wife watch as he did drugs, and allows her to see him at his worst.

  1. He thinks that he is telling her that he has a problem and that he needs help. He is wanting her to say that “we are in this together and everything will work out” and that they will get him help.
  2. She thinks, “What kind of an animal did I marry, I have got to get out of this”.

Now I don’t know if I was right or wrong about any of these, except case 2 with my wife and I. However, case 3 does remind me of the many times I wanted to talk to her about my need for sex, but I couldn’t because I felt it would just make matters worse. I didn’t want to feed into her fear of past abusive relationships.

I often wonder how we made it.  My wife is bipolar and I suffer from mild depression, and we both have other health issues as well.  So how did we make it when so many others, who have less problems, did not?  I think that this is because:

  1. We could admit our problems and mistakes to ourselves and to each other.
  2. We got help for our problems.
  3. More importantly, we both asked God for help!

Love vs. Sex

I have always wanted a loving relationship, one where my wife and I spend most of our time together cuddling on the couch more than having sex. However, due to my wife previously being abused and other physical problems such as her sensitive skin and having different recliner / couch preferences, this just never really happened until recently.

Recently my research has led me to endorphin’s and other hormones that are released during sex that have a wealth of physical and emotional health benefits such as decreased pain & depression and increased confidence & emotional bonding to your partner.

I believe that God made us all with the need for love, but men sometimes don’t know it because we can’t visualize love, it is not logical, so we visualize sex.

Now I haven’t heard the term “making love” in a long time, so let me bring it back. I believe that there is a big difference between making love and having sex. I have found that when I have sex, it makes me feel good for a short time, and then I feel lonely and depressed.  But when I make love I feel charged up and ready to take on the world.  It seems like researchers agree.

When I was single and without any girlfriend to speak of, and I had to take care of my own needs, I felt empty inside. The more I had sex the more I needed sex. I think that one of the reasons for this is that I got some of the benefits of making love, but I had no one to bond with, so my brain would say just after a few days that it needed more sex, but with no one to bond to it became an addiction.

So then I met my wife, and we started making love and it was good.  I finally had someone to bond with, and I found that I could go longer between sessions if I had to.  But it felt like she was holding back, that she didn’t trust me. Given her past failed and abusive relationships, who could blame her?  But I hadn’t done anything wrong, and I thought that she would eventually see that I am a good guy, but the problem seemed to get worse.

It began to feel less like making love and more like sex. I wasn’t bonding anymore, especially when it was once a month if I was lucky, and right after the climax she rushed to wipe the sticky stuff off her and the sheets before they stained.  Now I am sure that she felt used, but when it felt like she was barely meeting a contractual obligation and then she gave me a list of chores to do, I was feeling used too!  It felt like all she wanted was a safe place to live and a handyman / servant!  There was no more bonding, no confidence, just deeper depression.

I didn’t feel love during this time but I didn’t blame her, it was her past that was the problem. Still, I was the good guy and I couldn’t take it anymore.  So, after over 10 years, we both decided to call it quits, but neither one of us wanted to move out, so we lived separately in the same house for a while.

I am not going to explain why or how, that is a story for another time, but we finally got back together and it was better than ever.  When we “Make Love”, we have all the physical and mental benefits I talked about before.  But now we both have gotten a little adventurous and are trying new things.  Sometimes when we do something new, we don’t always have all the benefits because we are focusing more on the sex than on the love, but either way we both still enjoy it.  😉

So, I am going to try to be more deliberate when I refer to “Making Love” and “Sex”, because in my mind they are separate things.  But if I occasionally get them mixed up, please forgive me.  Definitely the Love is so much better.  🙂

“Men are dirty minded sex addicts”

It always saddens me when I hear something like “Men are dirty minded sex addicts”. I am one of the nice guys, and do you know how hard it is to be a man in this equal opportunistic society?

I feel like a leper. I see women hugging all the time, but if I see a female friend crying it is not socially acceptable for me to comfort her and/or give her a hug.  It is also frowned upon for a man to be left alone with women or children.  What did I ever do to deserve solitary confinement?

Anyone who knows me knows that I am safe and couldn’t hurt anyone if I tried. It is kinda funny how ladies at work won’t give me the time of day until they see me talking to another lady.  Then the next time I see them they know everything about me, they are talking up a storm, and I still don’t know their names. What kind of a network do you women have anyway?

I digress… I was writing to share my thoughts on what really happens in a man’s head. Well mine anyway, and I am guessing that most men are wired the same way.

They say that God doesn’t make mistakes, or maybe you believe that The Universe has a way of balancing itself.  In either case, have you ever wondered why man was made with such strong sexual urges?  I have, and I think that what I discovered is that it is for the woman’s benefit, as well as for the survival of mankind.

Think about it.  What the world would be like if man didn’t have those urges?  Men are logical creatures who like to work. So would a man notice the women around him? Typically when I am busy I don’t notice much of anything.  So if I did notice, what would be my incentive to spend my hard earned money to ask her out on a date?  Not much, it’s a waste of time and money.  What would be my incentive to get married?  Really?  How easy is it to get a man to the altar when he DOES have urges?

So you see, it is a good thing that guys have urges, they allow us to see how beautiful women are.  Without them there would be no dates, no marriage, and no babies.  Now I am sure a few women would say that that’s a good thing.  But then there would be no future generations, therefore no future at all, and is that what you really want?