I started writing this blog because many of the people I know and care about are having a tough time with their marriages, and / or are going thru a divorce. It is for those couples that I am sharing my experiences and observations in the hopes that they can learn from my triumphs and mistakes.
I am not sure how this started, but I started to see things from both the men’s and women’s perspective.
Case 1. A man and his wife split up and I ask him why. He says their son was doing drugs in the house and he told the son to get rid of the drugs. The son came after him with a baseball bat. He tells the wife to call the cops. She does and tells the cops to take her husband away.
What did you hear? As I say, I don’t know for sure, but this is what each one might have been thinking:
- The son has an addiction and can’t think past it. Anything that is in the way of his addiction needs to be removed, in this case his dad.
- Dad sees the son disobey him, so the dad doesn’t feel respect / love. Then the son attacks him and essentially disowns him, plus is now a threat to the rest of his family (including his wife). Therefore, since he is no longer his son, he has to be removed by the police. He thinks he is showing his wife that he loves her by protecting her from their son.
- The wife hears that her child is in danger, and her husband is not protecting her son, so he no longer loves her, and the husband has to be removed.
- The husband hears that the wife is not supporting his decision, so he hears that she doesn’t love him. Furthermore, her request for the police to take him away instead of the drug addict son, feels like a divorce.
Case 2. My wife is bipolar, in one of her depressed states she tells me that she is suicidal and is going to jump off a bridge. I (being logic man) say that “I can’t stop you”. Somehow things work out, but here is what I was thinking and what I think she was expecting.
- She was wanting me to say that “we are in this together and everything will work out”. When she heard me say that “I can’t stop you” she heard that “I don’t love you”, but she stuck around long enough and asked enough questions to figure out that this isn’t what I meant. She also told me (after proof reading this), that I was the only person to stand up to her, so I guess that’s a good thing?
- Okay, yes it seemed like a heartless response. But, I was thinking that “If you love something, set it free. If it returns it is yours. If it doesn’t it never was”. After all, I am Logic Man. Somehow this worked out and I am glad it did. It must have been God! 🙂
Case 3. I know someone who makes his wife watch as he did drugs, and allows her to see him at his worst.
- He thinks that he is telling her that he has a problem and that he needs help. He is wanting her to say that “we are in this together and everything will work out” and that they will get him help.
- She thinks, “What kind of an animal did I marry, I have got to get out of this”.
Now I don’t know if I was right or wrong about any of these, except case 2 with my wife and I. However, case 3 does remind me of the many times I wanted to talk to her about my need for sex, but I couldn’t because I felt it would just make matters worse. I didn’t want to feed into her fear of past abusive relationships.
I often wonder how we made it. My wife is bipolar and I suffer from mild depression, and we both have other health issues as well. So how did we make it when so many others, who have less problems, did not? I think that this is because:
- We could admit our problems and mistakes to ourselves and to each other.
- We got help for our problems.
- More importantly, we both asked God for help!