The movie “50 Shades of Grey” has been released, and while I haven’t seen it or read the books myself, I read someone’s summary of the books. If you haven’t read it, and have been wondering what all the fuss is about, I will try and summarize the summary I read somewhere (I think Wikipedia). If you have read the book, or seen the movie, please feel free to correct me if I stray too far.
Mr. Grey is a very rich and successful entrepreneur. A young lady writer comes to interview him, and they are both attracted to each other. So far so good, right? The problem is, he was brought up in a very sex orientated environment, and she want’s love. Sound typical? Well, it is actually more extreme than you might think.
His previous relationships were all of a dominant / submissive nature, and therefore he wants to continue this way. In typical business fashion, he first gets her to sign a non-disclosure agreement for anything and everything they do together. Then he tries to get her to sign a contract of dominance and submission that also states that there will be no romance only whips, chains, and sex. While she is interested in him, she does not want to sign the contract. Both of them are wanting a relationship so they start slowly.
After several meetings, gifts, etc., she agrees to try being a submissive. She allows him to spank her, and she is both excited and confused. Confused because of his insistence on it not being a romantic relationship, and yet he brings her to meet his family. She eventually asks him to show him how extreme a Master / Slave relationship could be, and so he does by beating her with a belt. She realizes that they are incompatible and leaves.
I am not sure if it is in this book or the next, but of course they get back together.
I can relate to this story in many ways. As I mentioned before, when I was young I started slowly getting addicted to porn. By the end, the only stories that satisfied me were the ones with some domination, men spanking women, or women dominating other women slaves (I assume that there were no men dominating women because of political correctness). So, while what I wanted was really a loving relationship, I only knew about sex from the examples I saw in the porn and therefore somewhat expected that. I assume it is similar to girls reading romance novels expecting guys to be perfect Prince Charmings?
As Logic Man I didn’t show my emotions very much and kept my anger inside. Most people have never seen me angry, or sometimes I would put on a fake angry voice, because I knew it was the only thing that the other person would listen to. Funny thing is that as I was pretending to be angry, I did actually feel angry for those few seconds, weird.
As I mentioned before, my wife and I went through a very rough time in our marriage. In some ways our story is not that much different than 50 shades, but not as extreme. When she was in a bipolar state, she would harass me with arguments that didn’t make any sense. I would try and discuss things with her, but there was no stopping her. She later admitted that she was just trying to make me angry to know what I was feeling inside. It took a long time, but eventually she knew which buttons to push to get me angry enough to start a loud argument. Then I typically left, going for a walk or a drive, just to get away, but I had no where to go. I would drive to the church or an empty parking lot, or walk to the park and sit under a tree crying, talking to (or arguing) with God.
As the arguments got more frequent and louder, I often wanted to spank her for making me feel this way, but I am not the violent type. I did however put a few holes in the walls, or doors, when she just wouldn’t quit harassing me. After I punched the wall and she got scared, or I came home after she thought she lost me, we would often cry together, and then discuss our problems quietly and rationally. We would solve the problem, and we never had to have the same argument twice.
This went on for around 10 years and we both decided we had enough and were going to call it quits. After a couple months of living separately in the same house, something happened, and my wife started acting nice. At first I wasn’t buying it, but she kept it up and eventually I gave in and started acting nice as well.
She started encouraging me to try some of the things that I was thinking / dreaming about. First she encouraged me to spank her! I didn’t believe her at first, but as she continued I gave her a few love taps once before we made love. She asked me if spanking her made me feel like a man, and all I could say was that I did feel a little more confident. I was actually surprised at how much more confident I was. A couple of days later when I was a teaching class, one of my students started to act up and disrupt the other students. Normally I would just ignore it or make a joke or something, but this time and without any hesitation, I told him that if he disrupted class again that I would sit him at the front of the class (which he hates), or he would have to leave. Much to my surprise he did behave.
My wife continued to encourage me to experiment, so the next time I spanked a little harder, and the next time I spanked until my hand was sore. I guess three times lucky, because I don’t feel the need to spank her anymore, I got that whole thing out of my system, and I love her so much more for letting me get that out of my system, and letting me find out more about myself.
If I could give one piece of advice to anyone, if you are in a relationship or not, is to find out who you are by trying out new things. If you are in a relationship I encourage you to let your partner try new things and to do your best to encourage and enjoy it. Maybe it turns out to be something your both enjoy, or something you both can do without. But there is nothing that builds trust and love more than when one partner allows another partner to do something that they need to do to get out of their system, just because they love them.