Most of you who read this have probably been trying to change him or her for how long? And what happens when you do? You put another brick on the walls between you, and those walls that you are building are getting pretty high, aren’t they?
So, how do you change him or her? You bring down those walls. How do you bring down those walls? The same way you built it, one brick at a time.
With every brick that either of you put on those walls between you, you tighten up and refuse to let the other person in. When they see that you are putting up a wall, they start building on their own wall and refuse to let you in. And soon you get to a point where both walls are so high you can’t even hear the person talking anymore. Soon you are both saying the exact same thing and thinking that the other person doesn’t agree with you…. Huh?
Once you get to the point where you can’t talk to each other then one of you is going to have to be the stronger person and start showing the other person some good deeds to bring the walls down far enough that you can talk to them. You have to be nice to them, very nice to them, and with every time you are nice to them you will take a brick off their wall. You have to be overly nice to them for probably a month or two, maybe even longer, before their wall is down far enough that you can have a civilized conversation with them. Once you can get them to smile, you can begin the next phase, but not before.
But being nice will only bring the walls down so far, once you get them to smile, you are ready to talk about the real problems, but the next problem is that neither one of you know how to talk about them, otherwise you probably wouldn’t have built those walls between you in the first place. In order to finish taking down those walls you need to be vulnerable and let the other person in a little at a time.
You can’t just open the flood gates and let everything out, you will probably flood them and scare them away. But, when you open yourself up and show just a little bit of who you are, they will probably open up and show you a bit of who they are, and soon those walls will come tumbling down.
I think my wife was the one who started by admitting to me that she had a binge eating problem, and a chocolate addiction. It probably took a month on both sides for this new revelation to settle in, but once it did, a big chunk of both walls were down, and I was committed to helping her with it. Soon after, I admitted that I had a sex addiction and it made me feel so alone dealing with it. When she understood that my sex addiction was like her chocolate addiction, her whole attitude towards me and sex changed! Once we had exposed ourselves in this way, and found common ground at the same time, we both started talking to each other about our other little secrets, and soon both of those walls were completely down!
That’s it! That’s all the information you need! It may sound too quick and simple, but it is not. It will probably take several months (if not years) and it is probably the hardest thing you will ever do, but it is well worth it.
Guys, I have one more tip for you. When you are at the point where you are talking and are able to get her to smile, try writing her a poem or love letter and READ IT TO HER (very important, don’t ask me why, but it makes a big difference to her to hear it from your mouth). To help you out, here is the one I wrote, but I left some blanks that you can fill in so that if she finds my copy she can’t say you just copied it. 😉
Yes, I did start it off with a few song lyrics and movie quotes, but where you get your inspiration isn’t as important as the fact that you got inspired!!! 🙂
Also, don’t worry if you don’t feel 100% of the love that you are writing about, you might still be harboring some frustrations. Write about the things that did attract you to her in the first place, and write about the things that you want to be feeling for her. You will probably be feeling those feelings for her very soon after your read it to her, think of it as paying it forward. Try encouraging and thanking her for the little things she does for you. But be careful not to make it sound like a “you must do this for me to love you” list. If you still feel that way, don’t read it to her yet. Just keep rewriting it for several days (or weeks if necessary) until it feels right and is written with the love that you do, or honestly want to feel for her.
I think mine took about 3 days, but was probably a dozen revisions. When I sent it to her I had changed my thinking and did love and want to thank her for doing these things, but more importantly, even if she didn’t do any of the things I listed here, I still love her.
———————— My Love Letter ————————
Have I told you lately that I love you? That there is no one else above you? You make me want to be a better man.
How do I love you, let me count the ways…
No, really… Let me count the ways! 😉
- I love you for being you.
- I love you for allowing and encouraging me to be me.
- I love you when you make me marvelous meals
- I love you when you ___.
- I love you when clean the kitchen.
- I love you when you do the laundry.
- I love you when you clean the rest of the house.
- I love you when you ___.
- I love you when your ___.
- I love you when you ___.
- I love you when you dress up nice, you make me want to be ___.
- I love you when you take down those walls between us, and we melt ___.
- I love you when you choose to do what I say, just because you love and trust me.
- I love you when you show me your vulnerable side and / or tears, you ___.
- I love you when you are sleeping. You look so ___.
- I love you when your breasts are showing. You look so ___.
- I love you when you are naked. You get me ___.
- I really love you when we make love.
- I love you when you encourage me to be a man and spank you. You make me feel ___.
- I love you when you allow me to explore my kinky side, so I don’t feel so lonely struggling with it.
- I love you when you ___. You make me so proud.
- I love it when ___, you bring me so much joy.
- I love it when you completely let your walls down and I can let mine down.
- I love you for all that you do, and all that you are.
- I love you for being my wife! 🙂
“I really liked him, and I didn’t want the fact that he couldn’t get me off to be the reason that we broke up. I decided that I would just fake them until it actually happened. I knew I could have them on my own, so I figured it was only a matter of time before he was able to make me come.”
“I always wanted a partner, someone I could depend on, someone who understood me and supported me. I wanted to give that back to someone worthy.”
In my previous post, I had originally wrote that men are not allowed to be men. In our politically correct society we have to be good boys. Also, women are not allowed to be ladies. You are suppose to be strong and are not allowed to show your vulnerable side. The traditional roles are the new taboo. 😉
What has changed, and what we can do to make it work?
When my wife and I first got married, she would say to me that “We always do things your way” and I would say the same thing back to her. So if we weren’t doing it her way or my way, neither one was happy. In the old days (like 1950’s?) it was just accepted that couples would do things “his” way, but today no one gets their way, so no one is happy.
There are several couples I know who are examples of what a good or bad marriage looks like.
- A male doctor and a female nurse. They seem to have a traditional marriage, with him as the head of the household, and they and their kids seem to be healthy and happy.
- A female doctor and a stay at home dad. Even though this is the opposite of a traditional marriage, they also seem to have somehow adapted and they and their kids are healthy and happy.
- My wife and I are somewhat typical of today’s society. We went through 10 years of arguing, and now we are finally getting along. One thing we have going for us is that when we argue, we don’t stop until we have solved the problem, and then we never have the same argument twice.
- A construction worker and a female nurse. She makes much more money than him and they are in the middle of a divorce. He wouldn’t put her name on the title of the house because she spends all her money faster than she makes it. She wouldn’t have sex with him unless she wanted a baby. They never argued and therefore never solved any of their problems.
The first two couples seem to last because they accepted traditional roles (although one is reversed), but they knew their roles and what to expect. The other two tried to fight the traditional roles and therefore had (or are having) a rough go of it.
So, how do we deal with this? First of all any marriage counselor will tell you that the most important thing in a marriage is communication. Also, they will tell you that most couples break up over 2 things, finances and sex.
If you want your marriage to survive, you need to find ways to communicate and to set those roles. In our case we did a lot of arguing, but if that is the only way to start discussion, then it is better than keeping quiet. If you don’t communicate, how do you expect the other person to know what you need? ESP? You need to communicate, and this comes easier for most women than most men. In my case I had to write my thoughts and feelings down on paper and have her read it. I didn’t want to be around when she did read it, but this made things worse, so I learned to still write things down, but I read it to her so she could ask me questions as I went, and things went much smoother.
I have to say, I was never a dominant personality. I always treated my girlfriends and then my wife as an equal, and initially I didn’t feel any need to do otherwise. Then my wife’s aggressive bipolar & PMS kicked in and I felt like I was the submissive. The more I felt like the submissive, the more I needed to be the dominant and have her listen to me when she was acting that way. However, being the good boy that our culture now expects us to be, I just couldn’t do that.
My wife and I have tried in the past to take the traditional roles and we found that it didn’t initially work for us, because deep down we really see each other as equals. But for each task / chore / role in the marriage, there has to be someone responsible, and the other might help out, but ultimately the job falls on one of you.
In the case of couple #2, the wife was the major bread winner, so they traded the income with the housekeeping, and it worked for them. For my wife and I we keep trying to make things work. We started with the traditional roles and are changing little things at a time. So, I am helping her with some chores, and she is listening to and agreeing with me more.
Finances need to be agreed upon so that both spouses are satisfied. You need to treat your combined income as one, and make a budget that takes all of your needs and wants into consideration. You can still have separate accounts, but agree on who pays what and who has extra income to share with the other person. We do have both personal and joint accounts, but one of us has control of the joint account, otherwise we might both take money from the same account at the same time and overdraw it. We also have separate credit cards, but we keep the other person’s so that we can’t use them without the other person being there, knowing and agreeing. If you don’t agree on how to spend your combined income, statistics show that your marriage is going to have problems.
We decided a few years back that I am better at managing money than she is, so I deal with all the finances, pay the bills, and divide up what’s left in a budget. Every payday I pay the bills first (mostly automatically) and we split the rest. My wife receives a majority of what is left to buy groceries, etc. She gets a little more personal money than I do, because after all, she is a girl and she buys more clothes and makeup than I do. However, I like to see her in those new clothes, so I can’t complain. 😉
We also decide that she does the housework. I do help with folding laundry and the dishes when I can, but she does what she can and tries not to ask me for help. When I see her doing either one of those I decide if I have enough energy or not and volunteer appropriately. This small agreement of finances and housework has been a big step in bringing us closer together. It is two less things that we have to fight over. 😉
So the next topic is sex. Most women don’t enjoy sex because they don’t have orgasms with their husbands. And most men start to look at other women because their needs are not being met at home.
Both the man and the wife need to find ways to make sex more enjoyable for the both of them. Guys, a 5 minute wham bam thank you mam, just isn’t going to cut it. Studies show that a woman needs about 20 minutes of foreplay to relax her enough to enjoy it. And women need to understand that a man’s brain will start looking elsewhere if he doesn’t have sex at least once a week. It is not something that he wants to do, it just happens, that is the way we were made. Most men can resist the urge to do more than just look, but it isn’t easy. So couple #4 was doomed just on the fact that they didn’t have sex regularly. Add to that they couldn’t agree on finances, and it’s a wonder they lasted as long as they did!
My wife and I have agreed that Saturdays are for sex. Well, not the whole day of course, but some time during the day we make love, and in that way we know I won’t be tempted to look elsewhere. Sure, sometimes we do it on a different day, and sometimes we do it more than once a week, but my needs are taken care of, and she is starting to enjoy it a lot more as well.
So to summarize:
- Make a list of all the jobs / chores / roles you have in your house and try and divide them equally. Start with the traditional roles and modify as necessary.
- Do the same with your finances. Treat your combined income as one, and make a budget that takes all of your needs and wants into consideration. You can still have separate accounts, but agree on who pays what and who has extra income to share with the other person.
- Schedule a weekly time for sex. It doesn’t matter if you can’t do it all the time on that day, some weeks you do it sooner, and some weeks you do it later, and some weeks you do it daily! The point is that it is a part of the marriage contract and your marriage is in jeopardy without it.