The Ugly Truth: Part 2

I am also starting to wonder if there are other factors in this need to cause pain either to others or to myself.  Like in the movie “Secretary” I reviewed a few days back, maybe it is because I am suppressing too much emotional pain that I have to let it out physically some how.  Maybe it is from being in so much debt and the leaky condo expenses going up.  Or maybe it is the people at work driving me crazy with the same conversations every time I see them.  I want a better paying job and more intelligent conversation, but I am afraid it will come with more stress, so is there any benefit?

And then again, is this a spiritual attack or test?  They say that the body is weak, so is Satan trying to tempt me into thinking that I enjoy giving pain by sexually arousing me when I think of it?  Is this a test that if I ignore it, it will go away?  Or do I have to try it?  My wife and I tried some light bondage and submission, last year and we found after a month or so that it did boost our confidence and built love and trust between us.  But that was enough for us, it resolved our curiosity and we are stronger for it.  I haven’t had the need to go back there until now.

Maybe it is the heat?  I see ladies walking on the street in skimpy outfits, and I think “She is selling it”, “She really wants it”, “She is a tease, and someone should teach her a lesson”.  Of course I know that this is just temptation talking, and most ladies wear clothing that they find comfortable and cool.  It looks like they are trying to show off their cleavage, but they’re actually venting the extra heat that builds up there.  But the heat plays games with a man’s mind, especially when he is a lonely sex deprived bachelor.

When I know why things bother me, they don’t bother me any more because I can say that it is just the sugar or it is just the heat, and the feelings go away.   But then again, maybe I just needed to talk / write about it, because I don’t have those temptations anymore.

Thanks for listening.   🙂

The Ugly Truth: Part 1

I have been away for a while for a variety of reasons, but mostly because I couldn’t think of what to write.  My life has been going well, and I seem to write when things are going wrong.  But I have noticed that my diet is controlling a major part of my life, and I thought I would share how.

I really have to watch my sugar and gluten intake, the combination of the two turns me into a different person, and one that scares me.

In the past few weeks I have been feeling small flashes of anger, but have found no reason for it.  So I have been increasing my antidepressant, but I don’t notice much difference.  Some people get like this from drinking alcohol, I get the anger from too much sugar.  I usually am successful at avoiding it, but sometimes I forget or just get tired of being on such a strict diet.  And why does anger bring out the need for sex in men?  I don’t know, but that is probably why the F-word is used when people are angry.

Also, I am gluten intolerant.  For me that means that normal wheat bread turns to a rock in my stomach.  I have noticed that with this constipation I have naughty thoughts, and it makes me wonder if that is where the expression “You are full of shit” comes from.  So when constipation meets anger my thoughts are very scary.  I have tried to talk about these thoughts before to get them out in the open so that they lose their power, but I couldn’t even write about them until now.

The idea that pain is pleasure draws me in.  The thought of causing someone pain gets me excited, just as much as the thought of causing myself pain to get pleasure.  These are totally illogical thoughts, thoughts that I would not normally have when I avoid these foods.

When this happened in the past I typically had a fight with my wife and I would fantasize about disciplining her.  However, I know that I couldn’t hurt anyone even if I tried, especially her.  So instead I would end up trying out the discipline on myself.  I still do on occasion try and see how much pain I can endure for how long.

These days I don’t have anything or anyone to be angry at, so I know that it is the sugar and gluten.  Knowing that doesn’t make it go away.  Instead I end up having urges that I can’t talk about or act on, so I resort to getting naughty pictures on the Internet.  My wife says that I should tell her when I have these needs, but I don’t want to be angry when we make love and end up hurting her.  

If I dig deep down I think the real reason I can’t talk is that anger and depression don’t want you to be around people who can help you.  They want to stay in control of you, so they tell you that no one can help you, and that you have to take care of yourself.  Misery loves company, so unless the person is also miserable, it wants you to stay away from them, unless you can bring them down too.

So, I do my best to stay away from sugar and eat healthy balanced meals.