Ladies, we need your help!

I was reading my second most popular post What is wrong with marriage these days? and I came across a quote that I got from another website “Studies show that a woman needs about 20 minutes of foreplay to relax her enough to enjoy it”.   So ladies, help us guys out!

What kind of foreplay do you like?

How important is romance?

What do you consider romantic?

What do you consider sexy?

I used to write poems for my wife, but I have tried in recent years and I just can’t come up with one.  I have downloaded some free romance novels (written by women) to try and get back in touch with my romantic side, but I haven’t read them yet.  What other tips can you give me and other guys?


Movie Review: “Secretary” (2002)

I came across this movie by accident some time back, and then found the trailers on YouTube.  It sounded interesting, so I looked it up and found that it was available on Video On Demand with our cable company.  I showed the trailers to my wife and we watched it.

The movie stars James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal and they do some very good acting of some very quirky behaviour.  What I like about the movie is that these two quirky people work together and they find that their quirks complement each other.

The story starts out with Maggie’s character being released from the mental hospital.  Her problem is that when she gets depressed she hurts herself.  She applies for a job as a secretary for Spader’s character, who I think is shy but strict lawyer with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) or something like it.  He is very hard to work with, and goes through secretaries so fast he has a “Secretary Wanted” lighted sign outside like a motel would have a “Vacancy” sign.

The moment these two meet there seems to be some attraction, but they keep it professional.  He goes easy on her at first, but gets increasingly more strict when she makes typos.  He is impressed that she is willing to do demeaning jobs without question, like going through the dumpster to find a report he accidentally threw out.

He has seen her hurt herself when she is angry or depressed, and so after awhile he has a talk with her and basically orders her not to do that anymore, and to dress more professionally.  Well, this is just what they both needed, and they both become more confident because of this.  She becomes more confident because of the care and interest he is taking in her, and he is more confident because of how well she is responding to his instructions.

One day he takes a big risk and disciplines / spanks her for typos.  He is a lawyer and knows that this could be the end of his career, if she sues him for sexual harassment.  But his gamble pays off, sort of.  She doesn’t sue him, and her typing does get better, until she starts making mistakes deliberately.

That’s as much of the story as I am going to tell, but I just love how she (the submissive one) becomes the instigator in the relationship.  I guess you could say she is a bit of a brat in that respect.

In “50 Shades of Grey”, Christian vents his frustrations on women he pays to take it, until he falls in love with Anastasia who was a virgin.  He tries to convince her to be submissive in this way, but it just turns her away.  

In “Secretary” neither one knows what they want until it happens.  Then they both thrive in the new lifestyle together.  I really think it is a good example of how someone can build another person up, one by taking an interest and caring, and the other by listening and doing as asked.

Reblog: About Me

About Me.

I really liked him, and I didn’t want the fact that he couldn’t get me off to be the reason that we broke up. I decided that I would just fake them until it actually happened. I knew I could have them on my own, so I figured it was only a matter of time before he was able to make me come.”

What is wrong with marriage these days?

What has changed, and what we can do to make it work?

When my wife and I first got married, she would say to me that “We always do things your way” and I would say the same thing back to her.  So if we weren’t doing it her way or my way, neither one was happy.  In the old days (like 1950’s?) it was just accepted that couples would do things “his” way, but today no one gets their way, so no one is happy.

There are several couples I know who are examples of what a good or bad marriage looks like.

  1. A male doctor and a female nurse. They seem to have a traditional marriage, with him as the head of the household, and they and their kids seem to be healthy and happy.
  2. A female doctor and a stay at home dad. Even though this is the opposite of a traditional marriage, they also seem to have somehow adapted and they and their kids are healthy and happy.
  3. My wife and I are somewhat typical of today’s society. We went through 10 years of arguing, and now we are finally getting along.  One thing we have going for us is that when we argue, we don’t stop until we have solved the problem, and then we never have the same argument twice.
  4. A construction worker and a female nurse. She makes much more money than him and they are in the middle of a divorce.  He wouldn’t put her name on the title of the house because she spends all her money faster than she makes it.  She wouldn’t have sex with him unless she wanted a baby.  They never argued and therefore never solved any of their problems.

The first two couples seem to last because they accepted traditional roles (although one is reversed), but they knew their roles and what to expect.  The other two tried to fight the traditional roles and therefore had (or are having) a rough go of it.

So, how do we deal with this?  First of all any marriage counselor will tell you that the most important thing in a marriage is communication.  Also, they will tell you that most couples break up over 2 things, finances and sex.

If you want your marriage to survive, you need to find ways to communicate and to set those roles.  In our case we did a lot of arguing, but if that is the only way to start discussion, then it is better than keeping quiet.  If you don’t communicate, how do you expect the other person to know what you need?  ESP?  You need to communicate, and this comes easier for most women than most men.  In my case I had to write my thoughts and feelings down on paper and have her read it.  I didn’t want to be around when she did read it, but this made things worse, so I learned to still write things down, but I read it to her so she could ask me questions as I went, and things went much smoother.

I have to say, I was never a dominant personality.  I always treated my girlfriends and then my wife as an equal, and initially I didn’t feel any need to do otherwise.  Then my wife’s aggressive bipolar & PMS kicked in and I felt like I was the submissive.  The more I felt like the submissive, the more I needed to be the dominant and have her listen to me when she was acting that way.  However, being the good boy that our culture now expects us to be, I just couldn’t do that.

My wife and I have tried in the past to take the traditional roles and we found that it didn’t initially work for us, because deep down we really see each other as equals.  But for each task / chore / role in the marriage, there has to be someone responsible, and the other might help out, but ultimately the job falls on one of you.

In the case of couple #2, the wife was the major bread winner, so they traded the income with the housekeeping, and it worked for them.  For my wife and I we keep trying to make things work.  We started with the traditional roles and are changing little things at a time.  So, I am helping her with some chores, and she is listening to and agreeing with me more.

Finances need to be agreed upon so that both spouses are satisfied.  You need to treat your combined income as one, and make a budget that takes all of your needs and wants into consideration.  You can still have separate accounts, but agree on who pays what and who has extra income to share with the other person.  We do have both personal and joint accounts, but one of us has control of the joint account, otherwise we might both take money from the same account at the same time and overdraw it.  We also have separate credit cards, but we keep the other person’s so that we can’t use them without the other person being there, knowing and agreeing.  If you don’t agree on how to spend your combined income, statistics show that your marriage is going to have problems.

We decided a few years back that I am better at managing money than she is, so I deal with all the finances, pay the bills, and divide up what’s left in a budget.  Every payday I pay the bills first (mostly automatically) and we split the rest.  My wife receives a majority of what is left to buy groceries, etc.  She gets a little more personal money than I do, because after all, she is a girl and she buys more clothes and makeup than I do.  However, I like to see her in those new clothes, so I can’t complain.  😉

We also decide that she does the housework.  I do help with folding laundry and the dishes when I can, but she does what she can and tries not to ask me for help.  When I see her doing either one of those I decide if I have enough energy or not and volunteer appropriately.  This small agreement of finances and housework has been a big step in bringing us closer together.  It is two less things that we have to fight over.  😉

So the next topic is sex.  Most women don’t enjoy sex because they don’t have orgasms with their husbands.  And most men start to look at other women because their needs are not being met at home.

Both the man and the wife need to find ways to make sex more enjoyable for the both of them.  Guys, a 5 minute wham bam thank you mam, just isn’t going to cut it.  Studies show that a woman needs about 20 minutes of foreplay to relax her enough to enjoy it.  And women need to understand that a man’s brain will start looking elsewhere if he doesn’t have sex at least once a week.  It is not something that he wants to do, it just happens, that is the way we were made.  Most men can resist the urge to do more than just look, but it isn’t easy.  So couple #4 was doomed just on the fact that they didn’t have sex regularly.  Add to that they couldn’t agree on finances, and it’s a wonder they lasted as long as they did!

My wife and I have agreed that Saturdays are for sex.  Well, not the whole day of course, but some time during the day we make love, and in that way we know I won’t be tempted to look elsewhere.  Sure, sometimes we do it on a different day, and sometimes we do it more than once a week, but my needs are taken care of, and she is starting to enjoy it a lot more as well.

So to summarize:

  1. Make a list of all the jobs / chores / roles you have in your house and try and divide them equally. Start with the traditional roles and modify as necessary.
  2. Do the same with your finances. Treat your combined income as one, and make a budget that takes all of your needs and wants into consideration.  You can still have separate accounts, but agree on who pays what and who has extra income to share with the other person.
  3. Schedule a weekly time for sex. It doesn’t matter if you can’t do it all the time on that day, some weeks you do it sooner, and some weeks you do it later, and some weeks you do it daily!  The point is that it is a part of the marriage contract and your marriage is in jeopardy without it.

Eat Healthy And Die Of Malnutrition – The Lesser Of The Evils

Don’t eat salt. Don’t eat fat. Don’t eat sugar. If you are lactose intolerant, don’t eat or drink dairy products. If you are celiac, don’t eat bread products.

We have all heard these but if you follow these too strictly your brain is not going to get the fat and salt it needs to function properly. So basically the synapses can’t fire because they don’t have salt to conduct electricity. The brain would kinda go flat without the fat to float in, and you could get mood disorders. I think both wheat and dairy have nutrients to make the thyroid gland work, etc. So if you don’t get the nutrients, then your body craves the foods it knows contains them.

What do you do? You have to eat, but a lot of foods are unavailable to you. If you stay away from all the foods that you shouldn’t eat your body starts to lack nutrients and your physical and mental health deteriorate. Your body craves the nutrients it needs, even when you know that it is wrong. So you have to decide the lesser of three evils, do you eat the bad food and live with the pain and other health problems it causes, do you suffer from malnutrition, or do you take chemical supplements that cause other health problems?

What does that have to do with sex & love you ask? Our mature bodies are made to need sex, almost as much as food. Our bodies need love and sex to release endorphin’s and without them our bodies suffer both physical and mental health problems. Likewise, especially in men, the sexual starvation make all of us crave the things that we know can give us that “sex food”. Why don’t some women have those cravings? My theory, like someone who never had dairy products, they never experienced big enough orgasms with a man and don’t know what they are missing.

When I was young, after sex education class, I started being more friendly with the girls. I don’t think that this was deliberate on my part, it just happened. Then I got hooked on porn, and by the time I was in university I think I had more female friends than male. I didn’t have any naughty thoughts about them, but my mind would keep on asking me “Is she the one? Does she like you?”. I still needed to satisfy my sexual needs with porn, but it felt empty, like gluten free bread or soy ice cream.

Then I met my wife. We were friends for a long time before we got involved. I just felt a connection to her that I didn’t have with anyone else. At first I didn’t think anything of it, but as time went on we just knew we were meant for each other.

I don’t remember when we started having sex, I think it was around the time we got engaged. I was inexperienced but had done lots of research, so it was good. It wasn’t long before we got married. Then we started fighting verbally, and there wasn’t much sex. At first I turned back to porn to satisfy my needs, but resentment built because wasn’t sex part of marriage? I knew this was wrong to think this way, and it was the sex starvation messing with my mind, but I couldn’t control it.

Over the years I did feel more love from her and couldn’t watch the porn anymore, it was like I was cheating. I tried not to satisfy my own needs, but then the wet dreams started, or maybe I should call them nightmares. I know I got a kinky mind from watching too much porn, but the wet dreams were far more kinkier than I could even think of during the day. So then I thought the lesser of the evils was to satisfy my needs by remembering the times we made love and the feelings we had (it’s not cheating on her when I am thinking about her is it?).

When things got better she made me promise not to take care of my own needs, she would take care of them, I just had to ask. Well we still had arguments, she sometimes was sick, the wet nightmares returned, and finally she gave me permission to satisfy my needs when she wasn’t available.  I did satisfy my needs, but every time I felt a wedge being hammered between my wife and I.  That little voice inside kept telling me that I didn’t need her, I could take care of my own needs.  I tried to ignore that voice but it kept getting louder, until my wife and I would spend some intimate time together and then it went away.

Things have been good lately, but I was just wondering what other people thought. What is the lesser of the evils? When I can’t stop my body from needing sex, and my wife (for one reason or another) is not available, what would you do?

What is “Love”?

I often hear the questions: “What is love?”

“Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupery
It is true that common goals and interest are important, and typically “gazing at each other” is more often lust, not love.

The best answer I have heard is that “You know that you are in love when you feel really good about yourself when you are with the other person.”
Think about that, do you feel good about yourself when you are with the other person, and do you make them feel good about themselves? Tough one, eh?

I think that the first one describes my wife and I better through all the years. We had some very rough times, but through it all we both were focused on God and what He wanted for us. These days we are also like the second one, and are encouraging each other to be ourselves and feeling closer because of it. 🙂

I believe that “True Love” only comes from God / Jesus, and that you can’t have real love without them. God builds us with the need for the one he wants us to marry. And in the case that God knows that your love is going to die and join Him in heaven, God may build in the love for the next person He wants you to marry.

I don’t believe that marriage is a ceremony that someone performs, I believe that it is something that God builds into the two of you, and when you are ready for it, He sees you as married.

God / Jesus = Love


Love = God / Jesus

And of course we can “love one another”, and if we truly do love everyone, then we truly do have God / Jesus in our lives.

Having Sex vs Making Love

When you are having sex, you are focused on your own needs and the experience is short lived.  After you may feel like something is missing, but you need more to be satisfied (it is an addiction).

When you are making love, you are focused on the other persons needs, and they on  yours.  The experience lasts so much longer, and the feeling lasts forever.  You and your partner are satisfied, so there is no need to do it again soon.  Just a smile from your lover brings back the whole experience, and then it happens again!  🙂