Ladies, we need your help!

I was reading my second most popular post What is wrong with marriage these days? and I came across a quote that I got from another website “Studies show that a woman needs about 20 minutes of foreplay to relax her enough to enjoy it”.   So ladies, help us guys out!

What kind of foreplay do you like?

How important is romance?

What do you consider romantic?

What do you consider sexy?

I used to write poems for my wife, but I have tried in recent years and I just can’t come up with one.  I have downloaded some free romance novels (written by women) to try and get back in touch with my romantic side, but I haven’t read them yet.  What other tips can you give me and other guys?

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The Ugly Truth: Part 2

I am also starting to wonder if there are other factors in this need to cause pain either to others or to myself.  Like in the movie “Secretary” I reviewed a few days back, maybe it is because I am suppressing too much emotional pain that I have to let it out physically some how.  Maybe it is from being in so much debt and the leaky condo expenses going up.  Or maybe it is the people at work driving me crazy with the same conversations every time I see them.  I want a better paying job and more intelligent conversation, but I am afraid it will come with more stress, so is there any benefit?

And then again, is this a spiritual attack or test?  They say that the body is weak, so is Satan trying to tempt me into thinking that I enjoy giving pain by sexually arousing me when I think of it?  Is this a test that if I ignore it, it will go away?  Or do I have to try it?  My wife and I tried some light bondage and submission, last year and we found after a month or so that it did boost our confidence and built love and trust between us.  But that was enough for us, it resolved our curiosity and we are stronger for it.  I haven’t had the need to go back there until now.

Maybe it is the heat?  I see ladies walking on the street in skimpy outfits, and I think “She is selling it”, “She really wants it”, “She is a tease, and someone should teach her a lesson”.  Of course I know that this is just temptation talking, and most ladies wear clothing that they find comfortable and cool.  It looks like they are trying to show off their cleavage, but they’re actually venting the extra heat that builds up there.  But the heat plays games with a man’s mind, especially when he is a lonely sex deprived bachelor.

When I know why things bother me, they don’t bother me any more because I can say that it is just the sugar or it is just the heat, and the feelings go away.   But then again, maybe I just needed to talk / write about it, because I don’t have those temptations anymore.

Thanks for listening.   🙂

The Ugly Truth: Part 1

I have been away for a while for a variety of reasons, but mostly because I couldn’t think of what to write.  My life has been going well, and I seem to write when things are going wrong.  But I have noticed that my diet is controlling a major part of my life, and I thought I would share how.

I really have to watch my sugar and gluten intake, the combination of the two turns me into a different person, and one that scares me.

In the past few weeks I have been feeling small flashes of anger, but have found no reason for it.  So I have been increasing my antidepressant, but I don’t notice much difference.  Some people get like this from drinking alcohol, I get the anger from too much sugar.  I usually am successful at avoiding it, but sometimes I forget or just get tired of being on such a strict diet.  And why does anger bring out the need for sex in men?  I don’t know, but that is probably why the F-word is used when people are angry.

Also, I am gluten intolerant.  For me that means that normal wheat bread turns to a rock in my stomach.  I have noticed that with this constipation I have naughty thoughts, and it makes me wonder if that is where the expression “You are full of shit” comes from.  So when constipation meets anger my thoughts are very scary.  I have tried to talk about these thoughts before to get them out in the open so that they lose their power, but I couldn’t even write about them until now.

The idea that pain is pleasure draws me in.  The thought of causing someone pain gets me excited, just as much as the thought of causing myself pain to get pleasure.  These are totally illogical thoughts, thoughts that I would not normally have when I avoid these foods.

When this happened in the past I typically had a fight with my wife and I would fantasize about disciplining her.  However, I know that I couldn’t hurt anyone even if I tried, especially her.  So instead I would end up trying out the discipline on myself.  I still do on occasion try and see how much pain I can endure for how long.

These days I don’t have anything or anyone to be angry at, so I know that it is the sugar and gluten.  Knowing that doesn’t make it go away.  Instead I end up having urges that I can’t talk about or act on, so I resort to getting naughty pictures on the Internet.  My wife says that I should tell her when I have these needs, but I don’t want to be angry when we make love and end up hurting her.  

If I dig deep down I think the real reason I can’t talk is that anger and depression don’t want you to be around people who can help you.  They want to stay in control of you, so they tell you that no one can help you, and that you have to take care of yourself.  Misery loves company, so unless the person is also miserable, it wants you to stay away from them, unless you can bring them down too.

So, I do my best to stay away from sugar and eat healthy balanced meals.

Movie Review: “Secretary” (2002)

I came across this movie by accident some time back, and then found the trailers on YouTube.  It sounded interesting, so I looked it up and found that it was available on Video On Demand with our cable company.  I showed the trailers to my wife and we watched it.

The movie stars James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal and they do some very good acting of some very quirky behaviour.  What I like about the movie is that these two quirky people work together and they find that their quirks complement each other.

The story starts out with Maggie’s character being released from the mental hospital.  Her problem is that when she gets depressed she hurts herself.  She applies for a job as a secretary for Spader’s character, who I think is shy but strict lawyer with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) or something like it.  He is very hard to work with, and goes through secretaries so fast he has a “Secretary Wanted” lighted sign outside like a motel would have a “Vacancy” sign.

The moment these two meet there seems to be some attraction, but they keep it professional.  He goes easy on her at first, but gets increasingly more strict when she makes typos.  He is impressed that she is willing to do demeaning jobs without question, like going through the dumpster to find a report he accidentally threw out.

He has seen her hurt herself when she is angry or depressed, and so after awhile he has a talk with her and basically orders her not to do that anymore, and to dress more professionally.  Well, this is just what they both needed, and they both become more confident because of this.  She becomes more confident because of the care and interest he is taking in her, and he is more confident because of how well she is responding to his instructions.

One day he takes a big risk and disciplines / spanks her for typos.  He is a lawyer and knows that this could be the end of his career, if she sues him for sexual harassment.  But his gamble pays off, sort of.  She doesn’t sue him, and her typing does get better, until she starts making mistakes deliberately.

That’s as much of the story as I am going to tell, but I just love how she (the submissive one) becomes the instigator in the relationship.  I guess you could say she is a bit of a brat in that respect.

In “50 Shades of Grey”, Christian vents his frustrations on women he pays to take it, until he falls in love with Anastasia who was a virgin.  He tries to convince her to be submissive in this way, but it just turns her away.  

In “Secretary” neither one knows what they want until it happens.  Then they both thrive in the new lifestyle together.  I really think it is a good example of how someone can build another person up, one by taking an interest and caring, and the other by listening and doing as asked.

Reblog: Review: Magic Wand Original

Review: Magic Wand OriginalI love this review, so enthusiastic!

A friend recommended the Magic Wand to us and I was hesitant at first because, mostly because of the cord.  However, I am glad we got it!

Review: Magic Wand OriginalIt actually is a massager, so it can be used on those sore back muscles after work and  if anyone sees it you can say it is for that purpose.  So it is great for a foreplay massage, and then to send you wife into the most intense multiple orgasms she has ever had!

Review: Magic Wand Original.

Reblog: Common Sex Mistakes Women Make

Feminine Sexual Health

Common Sex Mistakes Women Make

Sometimes women are just as ‘guilty’ as men in the bedroom. It’s easy enough to pin in all on the man and say that he just doesn’t understand the female body. Well, it might not be easy, but it happens and we end up blaming the other sex for things not going as planned.  Top relationship and sex experts say that women are making some blunders of their own.  Here are the common sex mistakes women make:

Not initiating sex
Many women feel as if they need to be ladylike and not assert themselves. As if it will seem too aggressive. Failing to initiate sex is one of the top mistakes women make according to Les Parrot, professor of psychology at Seattle Pacific University. Many guys feel like they’re always the ones to initiate and it creates an imbalance in the relationship where passion is concerned. Make it…

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Reblog: About Me

About Me.

I really liked him, and I didn’t want the fact that he couldn’t get me off to be the reason that we broke up. I decided that I would just fake them until it actually happened. I knew I could have them on my own, so I figured it was only a matter of time before he was able to make me come.”

What is wrong with marriage these days?

What has changed, and what we can do to make it work?

When my wife and I first got married, she would say to me that “We always do things your way” and I would say the same thing back to her.  So if we weren’t doing it her way or my way, neither one was happy.  In the old days (like 1950’s?) it was just accepted that couples would do things “his” way, but today no one gets their way, so no one is happy.

There are several couples I know who are examples of what a good or bad marriage looks like.

  1. A male doctor and a female nurse. They seem to have a traditional marriage, with him as the head of the household, and they and their kids seem to be healthy and happy.
  2. A female doctor and a stay at home dad. Even though this is the opposite of a traditional marriage, they also seem to have somehow adapted and they and their kids are healthy and happy.
  3. My wife and I are somewhat typical of today’s society. We went through 10 years of arguing, and now we are finally getting along.  One thing we have going for us is that when we argue, we don’t stop until we have solved the problem, and then we never have the same argument twice.
  4. A construction worker and a female nurse. She makes much more money than him and they are in the middle of a divorce.  He wouldn’t put her name on the title of the house because she spends all her money faster than she makes it.  She wouldn’t have sex with him unless she wanted a baby.  They never argued and therefore never solved any of their problems.

The first two couples seem to last because they accepted traditional roles (although one is reversed), but they knew their roles and what to expect.  The other two tried to fight the traditional roles and therefore had (or are having) a rough go of it.

So, how do we deal with this?  First of all any marriage counselor will tell you that the most important thing in a marriage is communication.  Also, they will tell you that most couples break up over 2 things, finances and sex.

If you want your marriage to survive, you need to find ways to communicate and to set those roles.  In our case we did a lot of arguing, but if that is the only way to start discussion, then it is better than keeping quiet.  If you don’t communicate, how do you expect the other person to know what you need?  ESP?  You need to communicate, and this comes easier for most women than most men.  In my case I had to write my thoughts and feelings down on paper and have her read it.  I didn’t want to be around when she did read it, but this made things worse, so I learned to still write things down, but I read it to her so she could ask me questions as I went, and things went much smoother.

I have to say, I was never a dominant personality.  I always treated my girlfriends and then my wife as an equal, and initially I didn’t feel any need to do otherwise.  Then my wife’s aggressive bipolar & PMS kicked in and I felt like I was the submissive.  The more I felt like the submissive, the more I needed to be the dominant and have her listen to me when she was acting that way.  However, being the good boy that our culture now expects us to be, I just couldn’t do that.

My wife and I have tried in the past to take the traditional roles and we found that it didn’t initially work for us, because deep down we really see each other as equals.  But for each task / chore / role in the marriage, there has to be someone responsible, and the other might help out, but ultimately the job falls on one of you.

In the case of couple #2, the wife was the major bread winner, so they traded the income with the housekeeping, and it worked for them.  For my wife and I we keep trying to make things work.  We started with the traditional roles and are changing little things at a time.  So, I am helping her with some chores, and she is listening to and agreeing with me more.

Finances need to be agreed upon so that both spouses are satisfied.  You need to treat your combined income as one, and make a budget that takes all of your needs and wants into consideration.  You can still have separate accounts, but agree on who pays what and who has extra income to share with the other person.  We do have both personal and joint accounts, but one of us has control of the joint account, otherwise we might both take money from the same account at the same time and overdraw it.  We also have separate credit cards, but we keep the other person’s so that we can’t use them without the other person being there, knowing and agreeing.  If you don’t agree on how to spend your combined income, statistics show that your marriage is going to have problems.

We decided a few years back that I am better at managing money than she is, so I deal with all the finances, pay the bills, and divide up what’s left in a budget.  Every payday I pay the bills first (mostly automatically) and we split the rest.  My wife receives a majority of what is left to buy groceries, etc.  She gets a little more personal money than I do, because after all, she is a girl and she buys more clothes and makeup than I do.  However, I like to see her in those new clothes, so I can’t complain.  😉

We also decide that she does the housework.  I do help with folding laundry and the dishes when I can, but she does what she can and tries not to ask me for help.  When I see her doing either one of those I decide if I have enough energy or not and volunteer appropriately.  This small agreement of finances and housework has been a big step in bringing us closer together.  It is two less things that we have to fight over.  😉

So the next topic is sex.  Most women don’t enjoy sex because they don’t have orgasms with their husbands.  And most men start to look at other women because their needs are not being met at home.

Both the man and the wife need to find ways to make sex more enjoyable for the both of them.  Guys, a 5 minute wham bam thank you mam, just isn’t going to cut it.  Studies show that a woman needs about 20 minutes of foreplay to relax her enough to enjoy it.  And women need to understand that a man’s brain will start looking elsewhere if he doesn’t have sex at least once a week.  It is not something that he wants to do, it just happens, that is the way we were made.  Most men can resist the urge to do more than just look, but it isn’t easy.  So couple #4 was doomed just on the fact that they didn’t have sex regularly.  Add to that they couldn’t agree on finances, and it’s a wonder they lasted as long as they did!

My wife and I have agreed that Saturdays are for sex.  Well, not the whole day of course, but some time during the day we make love, and in that way we know I won’t be tempted to look elsewhere.  Sure, sometimes we do it on a different day, and sometimes we do it more than once a week, but my needs are taken care of, and she is starting to enjoy it a lot more as well.

So to summarize:

  1. Make a list of all the jobs / chores / roles you have in your house and try and divide them equally. Start with the traditional roles and modify as necessary.
  2. Do the same with your finances. Treat your combined income as one, and make a budget that takes all of your needs and wants into consideration.  You can still have separate accounts, but agree on who pays what and who has extra income to share with the other person.
  3. Schedule a weekly time for sex. It doesn’t matter if you can’t do it all the time on that day, some weeks you do it sooner, and some weeks you do it later, and some weeks you do it daily!  The point is that it is a part of the marriage contract and your marriage is in jeopardy without it.