I have been away for a while for a variety of reasons, but mostly because I couldn’t think of what to write. My life has been going well, and I seem to write when things are going wrong. But I have noticed that my diet is controlling a major part of my life, and I thought I would share how.
I really have to watch my sugar and gluten intake, the combination of the two turns me into a different person, and one that scares me.
In the past few weeks I have been feeling small flashes of anger, but have found no reason for it. So I have been increasing my antidepressant, but I don’t notice much difference. Some people get like this from drinking alcohol, I get the anger from too much sugar. I usually am successful at avoiding it, but sometimes I forget or just get tired of being on such a strict diet. And why does anger bring out the need for sex in men? I don’t know, but that is probably why the F-word is used when people are angry.
Also, I am gluten intolerant. For me that means that normal wheat bread turns to a rock in my stomach. I have noticed that with this constipation I have naughty thoughts, and it makes me wonder if that is where the expression “You are full of shit” comes from. So when constipation meets anger my thoughts are very scary. I have tried to talk about these thoughts before to get them out in the open so that they lose their power, but I couldn’t even write about them until now.
The idea that pain is pleasure draws me in. The thought of causing someone pain gets me excited, just as much as the thought of causing myself pain to get pleasure. These are totally illogical thoughts, thoughts that I would not normally have when I avoid these foods.
When this happened in the past I typically had a fight with my wife and I would fantasize about disciplining her. However, I know that I couldn’t hurt anyone even if I tried, especially her. So instead I would end up trying out the discipline on myself. I still do on occasion try and see how much pain I can endure for how long.
These days I don’t have anything or anyone to be angry at, so I know that it is the sugar and gluten. Knowing that doesn’t make it go away. Instead I end up having urges that I can’t talk about or act on, so I resort to getting naughty pictures on the Internet. My wife says that I should tell her when I have these needs, but I don’t want to be angry when we make love and end up hurting her.
If I dig deep down I think the real reason I can’t talk is that anger and depression don’t want you to be around people who can help you. They want to stay in control of you, so they tell you that no one can help you, and that you have to take care of yourself. Misery loves company, so unless the person is also miserable, it wants you to stay away from them, unless you can bring them down too.
So, I do my best to stay away from sugar and eat healthy balanced meals.